the whatif's

Right now my life is a series of what-if's. And I'm learning to be okay with that, and not jump to any conclusions ahead of myself...something that is hard for me, but something I'm working on.


For the moment...2011 is still a year full of unknown possibility. What if I get to work in the mountains all summer? What if I don't? What if I land some singing gigs? What if I don't? What if this is the year I fall madly in love? What if it isn't? What if my mom outlives us all? What if she doesn't? What if I learn to tune out all the little what if's and enjoy the moments as they come? ...and what if I don't?

Many, many things to ponder and to which I look forward. And things yet unknown lingering just beyond the horizon.

Whatif - by Shel Silverstein
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pol?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

...for something completely diffetent

Let the record show that I like hairy men, and don't understand the obsession with a guy having a waxed/shaved chest.  Chest hair is manly!  Unless there is a unibrow or excessive nose hair involved - in which case, clean that up - guys, don't worry about it. /PSA.

The silent screams
were the hardest to bear

Mouth    agape
Eyes fixed on some
far
off
point.
The pain behind them too much
to comprehend from an
outside perspective

It's not you
It's more like some alien fish gasping for breath
pulled suddenly ashore

I sit there

helpless

tears in my eyes, too.

Praying as hard as I can that this paroxysm will soon pass and
that the deafening silence will cease its roaring

Moment

Finding out that your mom has a signed DNR - even if you suspected as much - is an oddly crystallizing moment.

and more cleaning

I've spent the better part of the past two months getting rid of stuff. Goodwill, recycling, trashing, giving away to friends...going through the crap that accumulates over 10 years of living in the same city.

And then I moved home. Well, "home." I've never lived in the house my parents currently live in; they moved sometime while I was in college. At the time, I was happy to be far away in Texas, so that I didn't have to do any of the moving work. I do have a room in the 'new' house, in the basement, and I've probably spent an accumulative total of about 4-5 months here, since sometime in the late '90s.

All that said . . . this weekend I continued on with my getting-rid-of-stuff streak and tackled my closet here. A closet full of clothes from high school, some college stuff and summers spend working in NC. And...holy crappe, indead! It was a veritable treasure trove of forgotten goodies: swim team sweats; graduation outfit;  white high heels for said outfit; a plethora of ribbed (!?) sweaters and oversize, stretched-out sweatshirts and sorority t-shirts. (I kept one fugly Christmas sweater that had been my grandmothers, in the hopes of hosting (or attending?) an ugly Christmas sweater party this year. I plan ahead.)

Once you get start the process of purging your stuff, it becomes easier and easier to keep going. And I didn't feel bad about getting rid of things because 1) They were all so outdated; and 2) I couldn't have worn any of it anyway...I'm smaller now than I was my senior year, so that makes me happy! And something even happier than THAT? I also cleaned out the dresser and I now have a place to keep my underwear! Simple pleasures, indeed.

I still have boxes of books to go through which are currently stacked along one side of the closet, blocking me from hanging up anything tall/long (dresses, etc); and the nightside dresser. All in good time. I really want to finish it this week, though.

Also on this week's agenda: go to the dmv (yay...I think); and see if the 24-hour fitness down the street has a trial pass. I think I'm going to join that branch, but so far I've not had any time to go at all, due to my mom needed someone at the house at all times, and the few times "off" I have had, I've already been doing a bunch of other errands and all. Whew. I hit the ground running, I guess . . . 

you are here

I started this blog after much convincing by AZ that this was the cool thing do to AND a fun way to stay in touch with folks from college, etc. So...I started it. Some years I've written more than others, and sometimes it's pretty hilarious (to me) to read old posts and wonder "what the hell was I whining about?" AHHH, youth...

Blogging tapered off a lot last year, but I figured I'd give it another, more habitual, go, seeing as I'm now the one who has moved, and this will also be a place to vent from time to time.

Now that I'm all but moved home (my car and a carload of stuff is in CA until the end of the month), I'm working on carving out a routine here. I have never been in such as position as I am right now, as far as not having to report to either a classroom or an office by xyz time, so I am attempting to not squander this window of free time. I have to admit that I am biding my job search time a little, since in a perfect world, the possible part-time mountain job will be a reality (3days up/4 days in Denver) and the following academic year, I'll have a full-time singing gig! Dream big! why not?
Anyway, the current routine entails working out, singing (working on audition rep) and basically trading mom-sitting time back and forth with Dad. This entails: getting her ready and driving to doc appointments, making sure she takes her meds on time; cooking dinners; etc. Mom basically needs someone with her all the time, and since she really cannot leave the house on her own accord, that means someone needs to be at home with her. We have in-home CNA (certified nursing assistant) help about half the time - which is when I can go to the gym, practice, run errands, etc. - but that is not covered by insurance at all *shakes fist*. I really don't understand WTF is going on with that.

Anyway. It's all about balance. Everyday with mom is up and down. Good/bad. Easy/Difficult. Joy/Tears. I knew it would be, but I better buckle my seat belt for this wild ride, and hold on tight. And thank God for old friends welcoming me back to Denver with open arms...! That has been a lovely, lovely thing.

Taxi:Taxi

The grey stones echoed

The grey skies echoed

The grey interior echoed

The tears streaming down my cheeks.

20 years young, but already an old soul, riding through the rain-dampened city

Ancient cathedrals juxtaposed with street-cleaning green machines

The early morning silence broken only by the wafting voices of radiofrance.

I thought my world was ending.

The blue bay echoing

The blue skies echoing

The blue Victorians echoing

The blue duffel bag balanced across my lap.

31 years (young!), still an old soul, riding down the sun-kissed freeway

Ancient hills juxtaposed with green-driving clean machines

The mid-afternoon rush silenced only by the contemplations of a decade well-spent.

The world begins afresh