Rose Bowl

So, it's January 4th, Rose Bowl Wednesday, and I find myself - game on in the background - a bit contemplative as I read emails from various friends, and muse over what I have to do, want to do, need to do and should do in 2006.

I fear I might be getting back into a 'music rut'. Just two months ago, I was so gung-ho about putting a recital together for March, and now I'm just so-so about it. I don't know what my deal is. One area of life starts coming together, while another one starts slacking off. It's like I'm a "Sim" version of myself. My employement meter goes up, while my creative meter goes down. Or, relationship meter suffers, while professional endeavors soar. I suppose this happens to everyone, but I always feel like I am letting folks down when it happens in my life. And by folks, I guess I mean my parents, music mentors, and, to some extent even some friends.

I know right now the best thing for me to do is to turn my sights up! To God! Frankly, that is one of my "I'm-not-going-to-call-it-a-resolution-because-resolutions-get-broken" for 2006: to prioritize my daily life around God. This time last year found me in a very different place! I was: without steady income - but singing in a show, grieving over a lost relationship (boy did that get tricky...), depending on just my own resources, and unwilling to really ask for help with most of this. I had a lot of growing pains in 2005; it was a trying year in many ways, and, honestly, I wouldn't have changed it one bit. There were also many, many wonderful things about 2005: lots of new friendships were made and experiences had that I now count among my fondest of memories.

I just got an email from a friend of mine, A, who has been working at an orphanage in Juarez, Mexico for the last two months. He writes every now and then, sharing his experiences and prayer requests with his friends and family. In this last letter, he shared an old journal entry, and I was glad to read it. I don't fell like this myself - right now - but, I was refreshed, nonetheless:

"I don't know if i can go on and I am certain that I can not in my own power. I feel defeated lost and confused. I have never felt this hopelessness that has swept over me in the past few weeks, and the darkness has grown around me. I have taken in the poisonous vile of the evil ones telling me, "You can't do it, you are a failure, God has left you here all alone.

Now I push them out and grasp for the healing touch of my savior. I call out to him, "Who do you say that I am?" I breath deep and as I inhale life enters in and I know that I am his son whom he loves. I am his brother whom he died for. I am already victorious, and I am not and have never been alone. The God of my fathers and my fathers fathers has claimed this soul and cherished me. "God I do not know if I can go on"

"You can" he replies, and his breath of life falls upon me, rests upon my chest, and I feel the life that that passes through me. I lay back and my chest rises and falls rises and falls rise and fall. When I close my eyes I envision the air in my chest pass from his lips and journey to my brothers all over the world. Sheltering them - giving them courage to keep going to - hold on. They draw his breath and find strength to fight back the words that attack their wills, His will. They are restored. They Fight. I Fight with them."

I hope this finds you in good times, that you are happy, that you are grateful and have the love and support of other around you. Take it in and appreciate it, because you will not always feel that way. We all feel alone. We all feel tired and next time you do remember that you are not alone and that there is breath to go on.

I look forward to 2006, and I am excited about all of the potential it holds. I will cherish the time I have and the people I get to be with. I will pray for you, my friends and family, and would that you pray for me, too. "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17).