Pardon my French*

*you've been warned*



I woke up this morning exhausted. And I went to bed early. And while it has been a good day, I've had this feeling of dread just niggling at me...

Were I not a spiritually-minded person, I would venture to say that it's only just the post-holiday slump, which most of us go into during the, um, post-holiday season.

But fuck that. I believe---I know---that it IS spiritual in part. I should have seen it coming. I resolve to get on the right track with God, and *splat* the "what if's" have been flung full force at me. Literally overnight. I went to bed in a cloud of prayer and full of the Word and Spirit. Fast foward to my drive home from work, during which I almost started crying. And it's SO not PMS. I have heavy things on my mind and heart - which is fine - but they shouldn't just overwhelm me so suddenly, right?

I need to get these out:

What if mom ends up with open heart surgery this month? She doesn't do well with surgeries, and in all honesty, she might not make it. I am worried about her, whether she makes it through or not! This snowballs into worry for my father - in both cases - and worry for their relationship...they are on SUCH different levels. He's almost more of a caretaker than a husband, it seems, from my perspective. But I'm not them. Satan get thee back!

What if I succeed as a singer? What if I don't? What's keeping me from really pursuing this...fear of success or fear of failure? Or truly just that I don't want to do it? Or what? And why the hell am I doubting myself so much. Satan get thee back!

Why the hell do I have an email from a particular person asking me about my love life?? It's none of his damn business - he's just jealous, I guess. Satan get thee back!

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN PRETENDING TO TRY?" are the words I felt hitting me on my drive home from work. "FUCK YOU...FUCK THE WHAT IFS" is what I mutter under my breath at that lie. Satan get thee back.

I can choose to give in. Or I can choose to fight. I choose the latter.

"...take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one" (Eph. 6:16). And I imagine my shield to be like that of Peter Pevensie...with a large Lion on it. A tangible object for me to visualize for this spiritual battle.