09 November 2010

.....voicing my worst fears.....

my heart feels like a seeping wound barely starting to heal only to be knocked about and have the scab re-opened and bleed anew, over and over and over again.

i literally feel crazed. i can't focus, i can't remember sh*t, and left to my own devices for too many hours in a row i start to become lulled by the siren call of the spiral down back into the hole of depression from which i have been steadily climbing for months now. it would be so much easier in some ways just to sit down there than to try and function in normal society. thank g-d for therapy. and friends. and family.

mom is sick. the kind of sick that doesn't get better.
congestive heart failure, major heart damage, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, fibromyalgia: these are things that don't just "go away" overnight. or ever.
the chf could be managed for a while, depending on what stage chf it is - but we don't know yet. however, compounded with the multitude of other health problems, i am not hopeful for much. i wish i could believe in miracles, but right now? that is a sisyphean struggle for me.

i am scared that this might be our last thanksgiving.
i am scared that this might be our last christmas.
i am scared that we might not make it that far.
i am scared that every time i hang up the phone that that might be it.
i am scared of what will change.
i am scared of what will happen to my family.
i am scared of what will happen to me when you are not here to tell me that 'everything is going to be ok. i love you.'
i am scared. flat out.
and it sucks.

3 comments:

Bag Blog said...

I know your fears. Take one thing at a time and deal with what you can, when you can, and don't fret what you can't change or deal with. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I prayed for mercy. I needed time - time with my father. My heavenly father granted me that time. Make the most of your time - doing what you can - what you can live with - so that someday you don't say, "I wish I had done (whatever) differently." Know that you can be strengthened in your inner person to deal with things as needed. And breathe.

Rona said...

I've never known anybody with your spirit. You're going to make it through this. May God grant you the quietness and comfort you need. I love you so much.

annelies said...

I go to sleep praying for you and your mama and often wake up praying for you all too. From one who knows quite personally what this can look like to another person, make the most of the time given. Enjoy each other and make love the priority. Everything you are feeling and voicing is normal. I will ask God to replace fear with peace; for whatever happens He will continue to be with you. I'm here to listen, to talk or just to hug.