the aria

so i'm working on this aria for an audition, and i'm just hitting a wall with it all. it's about a young girl in russia, living with her psycho aunt and trapped in this big mansion during the winter months with nothing to do but soak and lie in her misery.

i'm having trouble connecting with her character.

or, at least, part of it. i live in CA...none of those frozen russian winters. and, my aunt isn't certifiable.

what i can understand and connect to, though, frightens me. and because of the fear, i hold it even farther away from me, until i can't connect to it. and this is frustrating, because i want to break through that wall as an actor. but my mind and body do not yet understand the concept that it would be acting, not really happening, therefore it all feels to real and i 'could get hurt'

B.S.

so, what am i afraid of? i'm afraid that i am going to turn into that crazy old woman, who has been waiting for 40 years for her lover to return to her. only to have his son return, impregnate my niece and run off with me anyways. (well, that last sentence is a stretch....)

seriously. i don't want to be an old maid. i don't want the winter to come so soon. i already feel it happening, to some extent. i just can't fight off the feeling that i am alone.

you know babies that don't get enough affection? that aren't held enough or patted or loved on? that's what i feel like. i mean, i know that my family loves me, and i have awesome friends here. but, my family is far away. most of my friends here are not 'touchy feely' types. i just would like a hug every now and then, is that too much to ask?

there is nothing more comforting than a good hug. it can ease stress faster than you can say 'bikram yoga.' but, can one really solicit hugs? maybe with certain people. i have some people i could do that with, but they live in 30 minutes to an hour away.
and my roommate is awesome, but we are newly coed roommates, in a platonic way, and we don't really do that. maybe one day....but how pathetic....'uh..dude, could i have a hug?' and have him scream, run off out the door 'cause he thinks his roommate is freaking out on him. i don't think that's gonna happen, but you never know.

so, here is my advice to all of you crazy people reading this. go hug your roommates, friends, parents, pets, or heck, even a stranger if that floats your boat. i guarantee it will make their day.