14 July 2010

thoughts

Coming out of depression is interesting. On the whole, it has been a steady, slow climb up...just like a hike up a bigass hill. The views from the top are unimaginable until you get there. I can already look back to February and March and see (in retrospect) just how far down I was. A little scary.

My birthday was Sunday. It was REALLY nice and I had a lot of fun (thanks AZ). Very low-key excepting for the drama provided by the world cup with a handful of friends for brunch, soccer-watching and game playing. And I was happy to be amidst friends on that day. I didn't want to have a big blow-out party, because (for one thing) I am crazy busy this summer, and for another, I am feeling *somewhat* ...angsty? strange? weird? and a little sad... about this particular birthday, #31. Not because I feel "old," but because I can't believe that I am actually older than Katie ever will be. I used to always get to tease her about being 6-months older than me. It was a running joke that though we shared a name, she's always be the old one :)
So. It's a little strange for that to be reversed.

However - and I think this is the telling point, as far as my mental health goes - I wasn't freaking out about this birthday days in advance, losing sleep and getting panicky (as I was with, for example, Mother's Day). Somewhat saddened, yes, by the reality, but at the same time, determined to experience every day to the fullest, to get out and feel the sun on my face, and make the most of every year I get. I do not dread "getting old" . . . I will choose to relish it.

Love you, K. Miss you, still.

4 comments:

Bag Blog said...

I love it when you let us in on a little bit of your life. It has been a rough year for you, and I feel for you. Jesse is having a rough time too. I thought she was going to go to CA, but it all fell apart. Be strengthened by the Lord. Remember that the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. And the Kingdom is peace, love, and joy.

Bag Blog said...

P.S. Happy Birthday!

Mezzo SF said...

Thanks, Lou...!! Sending prayers and those "good california vibes" to Jesse!!

moi said...

glad your bday was a fun one and understand your desire for making it lower-key. hugs.