20 April 2010

hi

Hi. I am slowly in the process of healing from some deep wounds...and I think - as a wise friend mentioned - that journaling (ok, blogging) and getting things out on [virtual] paper might help.

The truth is that I have been very depressed, unfocused, extremely tired and generally not myself...which in turn brings back my anxieties and panic attacks...and I finally sought out some help about a month ago. Baby steps! It is a challenge, some days, to get out of bed..other days, it's okay...great, even. But I never know what kinda day it's going to be. Very strange to not be in control of one's mental state...but that is...changing, bit by bit.

I have been struggling with several different types of loss: the biggest and deepest one being K's death in October. That compounded with the lack of closure for a particular relationship to turn out differently; the loss of family companionship when my brother moved across country; weight-loss, and the mental side of that; and - to an extent - loss of faith. That last one is strange...because although I am struggling a great deal with my faith right now, at the same time, I cannot imagine being able to have gone through (or continue to process) any of the events of the last year without faith. So it's a weird state of being at the moment. Struggling, but aware that while *I* might be the one having trust issues...God is just waiting there. It almost makes it harder, in a way. I don't know. So much in my brain sometimes to sift through, but I haven't been able to focus on anything.

oh well...climbing up the ladder bit by bit...

One thing that has helped is music...listening to music (breaking out my old-school God-rock) and working on some new music (that I am excited about).

2 comments:

Bag Blog said...

I've been wondering where you were and what was happening in your life. It sounds like a lot. No where are we promised that trials and tribulation will not come our way. In fact, we are refined by fire. I like to remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego about to go into the fire saying - our god is able to deliver us, but even if He does not, He is still God.

I'll be praying for you - strength and wisdom.

Mezzo SF said...

Thanks, Lou!