splat

This fall this has been more of a "doom and gloom" place for me to just get everything out that needs to be gotten out of my brain, more than any other type of thing. It's easy, because I can vomit out the words, watch them splat on my screen and then - kinda, anyway - get on with my tasks for the day or whathaveyou. So. More splatting.

When it rains, it pours. And I don't write this to get sympathy, but I write it because I need to get it out of my system. The day before Thanksgiving, a wonderful lady and friend from church passed away from cancer. She was older, but not old, and was an amazing prayer warrior. And I know she's much happier now, but it still hurts on this side of things. And I'm sad I could not go to her memorial service, because I was out of town and didn't know about it until the day of, and could not get off of work to go. I also found out this week that a dear friend and colleague is incurably ill (some form of cancer) and I can't say more about it here because of confidentiality things...but all to say that said person is way to young, and has a family and ... ugh. And then just today, I awaken to the news that ANOTHER friend - also young - and a music colleague is in the hospital for some unknown brain malfunctioning or something. I mean. Wow. I know God's not gonna let me flounder with more than I can handle (with His help), but...really....I am at my limit.

I am somewhat depressed. The shock of Katie's death has - mostly - worn off, and I know that that's why I am not myself, and that regular life feels so surreal to me. The depression, though, comes in waves and some days are great, and some are shitty. And it's weird because I can't control it. Yesterday was great. Celebrated AZ's birthday, had a good walk (minus stepping in dog poop), iced cupcakes, and spent a fantastic evening celebrating a loved friend - awesome. This morning? I couldn't get out of bed. I don't think I would have been able to move had a bomb been set off outside my window...I just could not make myself move. If I didn't have to be at rehearsal in an hour - I would stil be asleep, and could sleep through until tomorrow. As it was, getting out of bed at noon was almost an insurmountable task. ARGH. And yes, I feel like I am having more ups than downs compared to say...a month ago...but still...it's just weird. And I know I am not the only one who is experiencing this, and it's helpful to be able to talk to my peeps who are going through this with me - because they get it, and we can all lean on each other.

Even on the shitty days, though, God has proven to me that all is not drear - because there has been the most wonderful pattern of Him giving me an undoubtedly joyful ending to said days...one day, it was getting to rehearsal and only having to bang on cymbals really loudly; the other night, it was getting to be home and watching the Pixar short films which are soooo happy; or laughing so hard I cried with friends...so...I am very thankful for that.

So. I head into my marathon afternoon and evening of rehearsal today full of expectation of God's greatness to shine through to me today. Because only His light is capable of piercing through my fog right now, and that takes many different forms, and for that I am grateful.