I love this!

I love this!

Katisha's lament

One of my big moments from Monday evening's performance was of this aria from The Mikado. Singing it now is vastly different from singing it last year. The emotions in this aria are more real than acted...however, that being said, Katisha and I differ in one important thing: she has lost hope, and I still have Hope.

My heart is heavily laden today...someone I know suffered a tragic loss yesterday. I have not the liberty to share details on such a public forum as the internet, suffice to say that the below lament - unfortunately - applies perfectly to the situation. Prayers are needed.

Alone! and yet, alive.
Oh, sepulcher, my soul is still my body’s prisoner.
Remote the peace that death alone can give…
My doom to wait!
My punishment . . . to live.

Hearts do not break,
They sting and ache for old love’s sake,
But do not die.
Though with each breath, they long for death,
As witnesseth the living I.
The living I.

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here, where all is drear?

O living I,
Come tell me why when hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
May not a cheated maiden die?

on a lighter note

Had one of my favorite gigs tonight - something that has turned into an annual event the past few years. I sing with one particular company quite a bit, and one of their major donors has taken to the habit of throwing a big party long about this time of year, and every year he's 'hired' full productions to be the featured entertainment. Sets, costumes, wigs, orchestra...even rents out a local theater. And then there's a big party afterward to which we are all invited. And it is great fun, because the atmosphere is festive, the audience happy, small and intimate, and just a good time guaranteed by our lovely host. This evening was no different. That, and - if you were to break down the hourly wage, it's the best paying gig of the season, too.

It's funny - these particular kinds of gigs - because I always feel a little like someone living in some kingdom somewhere...and then...it's like the King has summoned his Evening Entertainment. BRING ME THE ARTISTS! And, there we arrive, on the King's private stage. And he, along with the entire court, watches us. Sometimes the surreality of professional theater strikes me just *so*. It's very strange at times. But usually in a good way.

Our show went off without a hitch, minus the fact that is was FREEZING backstage. No heat, whatsoever, and oh yes it's about 39 degrees here in SF. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Great show, great time getting all dolled up afterward, great trio playing at the reception, great cha-cha-cha-ing with my lovely friend F, and great wine. And schmoozing. And merry-making and feels like the holiday season has officially started now. I am so glad :)

Thank you Jesus for the cha-cha-cha! And a talented dance partner! That is a sure-fire happy time right there!

splat

This fall this has been more of a "doom and gloom" place for me to just get everything out that needs to be gotten out of my brain, more than any other type of thing. It's easy, because I can vomit out the words, watch them splat on my screen and then - kinda, anyway - get on with my tasks for the day or whathaveyou. So. More splatting.

When it rains, it pours. And I don't write this to get sympathy, but I write it because I need to get it out of my system. The day before Thanksgiving, a wonderful lady and friend from church passed away from cancer. She was older, but not old, and was an amazing prayer warrior. And I know she's much happier now, but it still hurts on this side of things. And I'm sad I could not go to her memorial service, because I was out of town and didn't know about it until the day of, and could not get off of work to go. I also found out this week that a dear friend and colleague is incurably ill (some form of cancer) and I can't say more about it here because of confidentiality things...but all to say that said person is way to young, and has a family and ... ugh. And then just today, I awaken to the news that ANOTHER friend - also young - and a music colleague is in the hospital for some unknown brain malfunctioning or something. I mean. Wow. I know God's not gonna let me flounder with more than I can handle (with His help), but...really....I am at my limit.

I am somewhat depressed. The shock of Katie's death has - mostly - worn off, and I know that that's why I am not myself, and that regular life feels so surreal to me. The depression, though, comes in waves and some days are great, and some are shitty. And it's weird because I can't control it. Yesterday was great. Celebrated AZ's birthday, had a good walk (minus stepping in dog poop), iced cupcakes, and spent a fantastic evening celebrating a loved friend - awesome. This morning? I couldn't get out of bed. I don't think I would have been able to move had a bomb been set off outside my window...I just could not make myself move. If I didn't have to be at rehearsal in an hour - I would stil be asleep, and could sleep through until tomorrow. As it was, getting out of bed at noon was almost an insurmountable task. ARGH. And yes, I feel like I am having more ups than downs compared to say...a month ago...but still...it's just weird. And I know I am not the only one who is experiencing this, and it's helpful to be able to talk to my peeps who are going through this with me - because they get it, and we can all lean on each other.

Even on the shitty days, though, God has proven to me that all is not drear - because there has been the most wonderful pattern of Him giving me an undoubtedly joyful ending to said days...one day, it was getting to rehearsal and only having to bang on cymbals really loudly; the other night, it was getting to be home and watching the Pixar short films which are soooo happy; or laughing so hard I cried with friends...so...I am very thankful for that.

So. I head into my marathon afternoon and evening of rehearsal today full of expectation of God's greatness to shine through to me today. Because only His light is capable of piercing through my fog right now, and that takes many different forms, and for that I am grateful.

giving of thanks

Thanks - to all - for the words of encouragement, comments and phone calls alike over this past month. I am still here...just...haven't really felt like writing for a bit, because everytime I do, it all comes down to just memories of K (see? even this post does that!)

Anyway. I hope everyone had a nice Turkey Day. I had a lovely one - home with family and friends - and it was time well-spent in rest and surrounded with beloved folks.

I have much else going on in my life right now! December is usually very busy singing-wise, and this year proves no different. Apart from this Saturday - I won't have any days off for three weeks! So, off to bed for me.

I will say, however, that Obama's speech tonight made me run the gamut of emotions: proud, confident, heart-sick and curious. Overall, it was a good speech - he has a lot of balancing to do on this one - but I just hope and pray that we don't hit the 'too little, too late' wall on this one, though, with A-stan's history over the millenia, that might indeed be the case.
I'm personally highly invested in this so-called 'surge' supposed to be happening over the next 6 months, so I wait with baited breath to see who gets orders when.

God bless and protect the troops, that's all I have to say about it tonight...