unprepared

I am not prepared for today.

There would be no way to prepare for today.

None of us are.

Some are anxious.
Some are angry.
Some are just plain sad.
Some of us are numb.

I think I have reached numb. Sad? yes. Last weekend and almost every night of last week were filled with gut-wrenching sobs. Since I've been back in Denver the last three days, I have barely cried, mostly...out of protection, I think. And the strange, irrational hope that all of this is a bad nightmare from which I will awake.

But it's not.

I've dug through the old photos. Seen the red-rimmed eyes. Held on to hugs much longer than normal.

But today? tonight? I still feel numb. If I didn't...I would be experiencing a pain probably akin to having one's heart drawn and quartered, and I am not ready to go back to that place right now.

Later today is the wake. I'm going. But I don't know if I'm going inside. We'll see when we get there.