14 June 2009

malaise

I am grouchy this week. And no, I can't blame it on pms.

I think I know it's a combination of many things which can all be boiled down to one word: Change. And plenty of it this summer. I - though somewhat of a creature of habit - enjoy adventures and traveling and new experiences, but I don't necessarily like change in various forms. It's painful. It's complicated. Even if it *is* for the better.

I'm turning 30 in just under a month (7/11 for anyone keeping track). On many fronts, I am quite excited about entering this new decade. I'm more comfortable with myself than I was at 20, I am taking the time to get healthier for myself, and I enjoy having the freedom to do certain things because I am an adult and I can. It's nice. However, I think the thing that gives me pause is when I start to dwell too much on the "what-if's" in life. Those always seem to crop-up near landmark birthdays, don't they? I try not to let them get to me, but sometimes they creep in.

Other changes . . . my younger brother, with whom I've gladly shared a house for the past 3.5 years, is moving to the East Coast this summer. Words cannot begin to express the joy it has been to live with him and get to know him as a grown-up, instead of just the tow-headed little boy from childhood memories and photos. We are close, and I consider myself extremely blessed in that regard. An added bonus has been becoming great friends with his fiancee, who lived with us for 2 of those years, before moving out to the East Coast for school (hence the brother's move). It is a change for him, as he starts this chapter of living with his life-mate all on their own, and I am thrilled for him. But, admittedly, I - selfishly - am mourning the end of this particular time period we've shared.

And more change...maybe...on certain horizons about which I cannot blog. I don't know. There are just some situations in life I can't control, no matter how much I'd like to do so - and it's hard for me to let go and "let God" as it were, even though I know it's much better in the long run when I do. It's just living in a prolonged state of unknowningness is...difficult.

I know this is just a season for me - lots of events converging - and I'm floundering a little. And I have a ton of extra time on my hands right now to ponder and sit because I am not involved in any theatrical productions this summer. Which is another story...mostly good, though.

This too shall pass.

4 comments:

Sisu said...

a) the 30s are much better than the 20s (and the 40s, I'm learning, is where you just tell everyone to piss off and if they don't like it..whatev.)

b) growing and stretching and evolving is so dang HARD. But in the end worth it. I too, am not one of those who easily lets go and lets God. Inner monologue of "but what if this happens and what if this doesn't and I really want this to happen..." until I spin myself into a moult! I'm kind of going through one of those moments myself right now. It's hard to just "be" sometimes. I want to fix and tweak and make things the way I thing they should be. Not realizing that maybe they are the way they should be for reasons I don't understand at this particular point in time. Which makes me insane(r) by the way!

Bag Blog said...

The seasons change - there is no stopping them. Waiting and being content is often difficult. Accepting what God has in store is also difficult. It can definitely make a person grumpy.

Buck said...

"This too shall pass."

My favorite saying, bar none. And it always does, whatever it is. I just hope I never have to use it in conjunction with a kidney stone.

Reflection on nearing or achieving a milestone is always good. But, speaking from some experience, it's best not to dwell too long on changes. "Roll with it" is another fave saying of mine. :D

Skybag said...

Yeah, I think I know how you are feeling. It's like my life isn't changing, but everyone else's around me is, thus affecting my life. It wouldn't be nearly so hard if my life would change along with their's! But I can't control everything. I'm with Buck on the "rolling with it" and having fun.