a.h.

I have fallen off the blogosphere as of late....probably because I've not known quite what to do with myself. I've gone from the depths of despair to the thrills of triumph in 24 hours and back and forth again and again.

It is an odd thing when someone you work with dies. I spend most of my time with my coworkers (as probably do 90% of anyone who works). I see them more often than my family, more often than some friends, and certainly more often then my roommates (!). And yet, it is an odd combination of impersonal and personal worlds. I saw AH everyday, we would chat, discuss music or art or weekend plans. I knew the sound of her footfalls, what she liked to drink in the mornings, how she answered the phone or dealt with a sudden crisis. And yet . . . I never met her husband, didn't know what her college major was, or even her favorite color. But still, I feel uprooted and helpless and insignificant - unable to change the past, I try to focus on the present - and that leaves me tender and raw of soul. Feelings of selfishness creep in . . . who am I to feel thusly grieved? I am not a family member, not a close friend or confidante. But I still feel. I feel for her husband, her family. They were trying to start a family of their own, and now that opportunity will never be had. I feel for her friends and students - the people on whom she had so much impact during her brief terrestial stay. Hundreds of lives touched and changed because of her time here. And for that, I am thankful.