Seeing 20/20

I do not have good eyesight. But every now and then, God gives me 20/20 vision. He gives such clairty and understanding - albeit in hindsight painful at times - that I know He exists and listens and cares.

Today is a perfect example.

I've had an interesting week in regards to a certain man who shall remain nameless, but who has been a factor in my life for about a year. I will not bore you with all the minutiae, but I will say that he has been in and out of my life throughout 2005. When we ended things, they did not end with a bang . . . they just stopped. We lived on opposite coasts, and, well.....that ended that. And I knew that going into the relationship - I mean, I knew we would only be in the same city for a short while.
And yet, I decided to go for it.

"'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." (Alfred, Lord Tennyson)

A major reprecussion of the "ending": lack of closure.
Everytime we saw each other this year, it felt (rekindled?) as if we were together again. Each gesture, speech pattern, habit, so familiar, comforting, wanted.

We spoke this last week - in person and via computer - of hypotheticals vs. reality and "what-if's" vs. "not likely's". We spoke of what it is to be happy, what it is to be committed (or not), what it is to be an artist, what it is to follow your heart, what it is to be one human interacting with another. We were approaching a closure of sorts. Actually talking about things that had been left unsaid.

I wrote a letter. Hid it in my drawer for a week. And then decided to let him read it. It was a good letter - no "I'm so unhappy without you letter," nor "I hate your guts...". It was a simple, truthful statement of feelings past, and present thoughts. I think I wrote out about 5 drafts of the thing! ha!

For me, the letter offered a closure. I am better able to express my thoughts in writing than I am in person. I get too nervous and tongue tied in person (especially around this particular person). I've gotten better as I've gotten older, but I still have a ways to go in this respect.

Closure. And yet this morning, en route to work, I could not stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks. It sucks. But I can see that it is good.

How? God is looking out for me.

Example: I did not get cast in a part I really wanted. I am not a super diva, but I sang a damn good audition and I would have been perfect for it. But I didn't get cast, and was upset about this over the weekend. Last night, P told me that he got the part he wanted in this same show. If you have ever been in a theater production, you know how much time you spend with your castmates, and how that intensity fosters relationship(s). My heart could not have stood that.

Example: I went to Starbucks this morning, and my friend C was barista-ing. I had just gotten to work post tears-during-the-commute and she expressed some concern. I didn't have time to get into it right then. Fast forward to my lunch break. I'm walking to the deli, when I hear my name. I turn around, and there is C, smiling and telling me that she is buying me lunch. We sit and talk and pray and I am was so grateful for how much God blessed me today with C.

So. It is late and I am tired.

I don't regret my relationship with P. I will stick with Lord Tennyson on that one. I try to own my decisions, be they good or bad.

But, I am humbled that even when I am feeling frustrated, sad, worked-up, stubborn, emotionally tender, and weak, God sees all and grants vision to us. And He cares. And He loves.