The silent screams
were the hardest to bear

Mouth    agape
Eyes fixed on some
far
off
point.
The pain behind them too much
to comprehend from an
outside perspective

It's not you
It's more like some alien fish gasping for breath
pulled suddenly ashore

I sit there

helpless

tears in my eyes, too.

Praying as hard as I can that this paroxysm will soon pass and
that the deafening silence will cease its roaring

update

Please continue to pray for the Sullivan family.
Sara Sullivan passed away earlier today, leaving behind her husband, F-16 pilot Brady, and 8-day-old daughter, Chloe.

I've posted a link to their blog, and I'm going to leave it up there. If you want to read an amazing testimony of Faith and Love and Hope in Christ, I recommend perusing through it. If 'religion' is not your thing, I recommend reading it as a story of a strong woman's battle with breast-cancer, a strong man and his love for his family, and the legacy of one tough little baby girl. Make sure you have a box of tissues with you when you do decide to read.

I had other things I wanted to write about tonight...but this family's story has sidelined me. And I don't even know them...they are close friends with one of my best friends.

Their family story is heartbreaking, humbling and inspiring...if only we could all live our lives in such a fashion as to touch the lives of hundreds of people...just through our own life story.

Be thankful, for you are blessed.

Saddening

This is heart-wrenching.

Rest In Peace, Soldiers.

pray

My Aunt went into the ER yesterday morning - docs don't know what's wrong just yet. Hopefully will find out soon. (All I know is she has had some major blood loss....possibly something like diverticulits? Not sure.)

She lives in Shreveport...divorced...her son lives in DC...so, she doesn't have family close by to her. However, she does have some amazing friends - and for that, I am immensely grateful.

in another world, far, far away

Our family has another very close family friend who just deployed out to the desert last month. I got the news today that 2 men in his (Marine) unit were KIA.

So, if you think about it, send up a prayer for J and his family back here in the states (wife L and three kiddos)...he's a Navy doc with said Marine unit and things are off to a heavy start.

praisin' Jesus today

...for the combination of adrenaline, afrin and good technique which helped me make it through the performance last night. Seriously, it was but for the Grace of God that my fevered self did not pass out onstage, mid-scene.

So...thank you Jesus! (And thanks for all ya'll who sent prayers my direction! I am still sick, but have a week to recover before the next show . . . so here's hoping that whatever this is will go away quickly!)

The familiar

and unwelcome feeling of Panic has been gnawing at me this afternoon. Crawling around under my skin and between my shoulderblades. It started at work, and now I am at home trying my best to breathe in and out at a regular pace - grasping for any hold I can keep on my rational, yet slippery, sense of self - constantly reminding myself that I'm not dying, I'm just hovering on the edge of a mental cliff. It's been over a year since my last full-on panic attack, which I count as a blessing.

I'm hoping that the focus required for rehearsal tonight will help my system to override and reboot itself. I wish it were just a simple means of telling myself to "calm down," but it's not that easy. I can tell myself to calm down, and perhaps that puts off the inevitable, or shortens the duration of an attack, but it really is an involuntary physical manifestation. It's very weird...I can describe all the symptoms like they are happening to someone else...very 'out-of-body' like...but they are not happening to someone else, they are mine.

I think it's probably because I've not slept enough this week...that's happened to me before. Gotta change that and I'll go to bed directly after rehearsal tonight.

prayers needed

Please pray for my good friend J in North Carolina...his father passed away this week, succombing to his battle with cancer;

Please pray for my coworker M, whose uncle had a tragic accident on Friday and ended up hospitalized in a vegetative state; the family was not going to keep him on life support for very long;

Please pray for a close friend and her baby - pray for healing for the mom and safety for the baby;

Please pray for P and his fellow Soliders, as tensions escalate in the 'box;

Please pray for T, still looking for housing.

understatement

It seems to be an especially bad week for our OIF troops and innocent civilians . . . keep them all in your prayers tonight!

Link-up and send a prayer

One more plug for Milblogging.com. It seems they linked me up as their entry of the day today since I gave them a shout-out earlier this week.

While I am at it, here are links to some of the blogs they have on their site, which I've found very interesting:

Badgers Forward

From My Position . . . On the Way!

Kaboom, A Soldier's War Journal

Tragically Famous

Blackanthem military news site

I encourage you to read an entry and pray a blessing over the writer!

Site to check out

Check out Milblogging. It features straight-from-the-Soldier's mouth writing from US Soldiers (active & retired) around the globe.

I've a minor compulsion going right now about reading some of their blogs. I feel like I have ignored (or tried to tune out) news of the Iraq war for so long (due to the mostly negative media here in SF), that now I can't get enough news. Read the accounts and say a prayer for our guys out there.

Pray for Dad today!!!

Here is a picture of dad getting "liquored up" on our cruise to Alaska.


[Full disclosure: that was a funk-nasty pina colada - he was just posing with it for giggles . . . ]

A world away

My good friend (and Ty's cousin) P called today. He ships out for the Middle East on Monday with the Army. I'm really glad he called - it was good to talk to him for a little bit. It's weird to think that for 15 months (at least!) he's going to be in the desert somewhere, with his life on the line.

Living in SF, where there is a monthy protest against The War, I find I can be desensitized to the whole thing...I just don't even think about it anymore, because I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by anti-war, anti-American, anti-almost-everything ALL THE TIME. I guess personally, I am not *for* the war - but I *DO* support the troops.

Knowing people involved gives some perspective. Another close friends' husband is in the USAF...He is safely home - praise the Lord - and about to welcome their first child into the world!

So. I will do my best to support P as he's out there a world away . . . all we can do from home is pray, write letters and send Fudge (well - my mom's going to send fudge!). I encourage those of you who know folks in the forces to do the same...

'tis the season . . .

I hate making 'resolutions.' For me, the word resolution may as well just be defined as "something to do during the month of January, and then discard February 1".

It's true. I don't know why, but there must be some sort of disconnect in my brain. I know I'm not the only one, I'm just saying.

However, I also know there are other folks who don't necessarily think like that. For some, "resolution" is just that: a strengthening of one's resolve to make a change in one's life. I respect these people a great deal, and admire their tenancity to stick-to-it.

Anyways, I was at lunch with a couple friends one day not too long ago, and one asked "do you have any resolutions for 2007?" Even though my mind can leap to some stock answers - things I know I should resolve to do (lose weight, sleep more, clean out the house, etc), I don't want to classify them as "resolutions" out loud because I just don't think I'll get it done.

2006....my biggest goal for 2006 was to decrap my house. Well. If anything, I did the opposite...got more crap to fill it up. So, whilst this is niggling at the back of my brain, I dare not pronounce it as a carry-over resolution from 2006, or else no progress whatsoever will be made.

Sitting there, thinking to myself, "what can I possibly resolve to do in 2007 that might actually get DONE?" After several minutes, and a few conversation topics later, it hit me:

I shall floss daily.

That may sound tiny, insignificant perhaps. But to me (and my dentist) it's not. I have never been in the daily habit of flossing, and that is no good. And, the best part? I *started* flossing in December. So it was kind of like cheating on my "New Year's Resolution" because I had a head start.

Am I a total nut having to double-talk my way around my own head and my own stubborness? Sometimes...

Deju vu all over again . . .

So, last week, as a result of the blizzard in Denver, hundreds of thousands of holiday travelers were stuck, due to cancelled flights in, out and through DIA. My brother was one of them. He was scheduled to leave Wednesday morning. Cancelled. A new Friday morning flight. Cancelled. Finally, he got a flight for Christmas eve night. Oakland -> Las Vegas -> Denver.

He got here, we had a lovely Christmas, and Will had even changed his return ticket to stay a few extra days in Denver, since he got in so much later than anticipated.

Well. Dad walks in from work, and he has some news. On both the Frontier and United websites (not to mention the weather channel site), there is another winter storm brewing for the Denver Metro area, including (of course) the airport. And, they are suggesting folks get out of town tonight or Thursday morning. Not (of course) Friday, when Will has a ticket. He might get stuck again.

Alas. He has tickets to the Orange Bowl in Miami for Jan. 2. We are trying to get him there!

Denver snowstorm travel advisory
United is currently monitoring a winter storm in the Denver area that may impact future travel. A travel waiver has been issued to enable customers flying in and out of Denver today through Saturday to change their travel plans.
Travel tips:
We encourage all customers flying in, out or through Denver on Thursday and Friday to consider departing Wednesday evening or Thursday morning.
If you would like to change your travel plans, consider taking advantage of United’s travel waiver that is in place through December 30, 2006, by contacting your travel agent, united.com or United reservations.
United’s lobby at DIA will open at 2:00 am on Thursday to accommodate a higher volume of customers.
Check your flight status before heading to the airport.
Check in for your flight with EasyCheck-in Online then use united.com BagCheck at the airport.
Please review the ticket waiver information below for a full list of travel
options.

a.h.

I have fallen off the blogosphere as of late....probably because I've not known quite what to do with myself. I've gone from the depths of despair to the thrills of triumph in 24 hours and back and forth again and again.

It is an odd thing when someone you work with dies. I spend most of my time with my coworkers (as probably do 90% of anyone who works). I see them more often than my family, more often than some friends, and certainly more often then my roommates (!). And yet, it is an odd combination of impersonal and personal worlds. I saw AH everyday, we would chat, discuss music or art or weekend plans. I knew the sound of her footfalls, what she liked to drink in the mornings, how she answered the phone or dealt with a sudden crisis. And yet . . . I never met her husband, didn't know what her college major was, or even her favorite color. But still, I feel uprooted and helpless and insignificant - unable to change the past, I try to focus on the present - and that leaves me tender and raw of soul. Feelings of selfishness creep in . . . who am I to feel thusly grieved? I am not a family member, not a close friend or confidante. But I still feel. I feel for her husband, her family. They were trying to start a family of their own, and now that opportunity will never be had. I feel for her friends and students - the people on whom she had so much impact during her brief terrestial stay. Hundreds of lives touched and changed because of her time here. And for that, I am thankful.