Dude. And DUDE!

Dude. That's the only reaction I can have to this front page Denver Post article about my home church imploding and the subsequent lawsuit. WTF. The original break up happened two years ago, and I really cannot believe that it is now on the front page of the paper. A wound that had been - to a certain extent - healing may have just had the scab ripped off, and grit shoved into its delicate tissues. I just cannot believe all of this. CRAZY. On so many levels.

ack.

DUDE! is a happy exclamation, reserved for the wonderful time I had at the San Francisco Symphony this afternoon. Thanks to AZ, I got to attend a Messiah performance...the whole thing! So often, the work is cut - because it is lengthy - but this was a dynamic, exciting performance (and the fast tempi definitely gave it a lively bounce), and so very well executed. It was a highly musically satisfying experience. The kind of performance I expect and crave from the upper-echelon companies in SF, but which (at least in the case of SFOpera), I sometimes find to be lacking (and yes, I am a judgmental, biased audience member...I can't help it.) But this was sublime. SO wonderful. I'll have to write more later about the whole thing, but tonight I cannot focus on that. It was so lovely, though.

Restrepo and War

On 11/16/2010, Staff Sgt Salvatore Giunta (Battle Co; 2nd PLT; 173rd Airborne) received the Medal of Honor for his actions in 2007 in the Korengal Valley, Afghanistan. He is the first living MOH recipient since the Vietnam War.
Part of his story is chronicled in the documentary "Restrepo," which I just watched. This very powerful film...is difficult to watch (at times), but should be required viewing for all Americans - unless you have any currently deployed family or friends. In that case, I would recommend waiting until they are home (do as I say...not as I do...). I guess I'm just a glutton for punishment. Anyway. It's available ondemand, but will also be shown on 11/29 on the National Geographic channel.

Also - very much worth reading is the book that goes along with the film (in a way): WAR, also by Sebastien Junger.

Restrepo official website.

H/T to Joe for the heads-up on the availability of the movie ondemand cable.

.....voicing my worst fears.....

my heart feels like a seeping wound barely starting to heal only to be knocked about and have the scab re-opened and bleed anew, over and over and over again.

i literally feel crazed. i can't focus, i can't remember sh*t, and left to my own devices for too many hours in a row i start to become lulled by the siren call of the spiral down back into the hole of depression from which i have been steadily climbing for months now. it would be so much easier in some ways just to sit down there than to try and function in normal society. thank g-d for therapy. and friends. and family.

mom is sick. the kind of sick that doesn't get better.
congestive heart failure, major heart damage, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, fibromyalgia: these are things that don't just "go away" overnight. or ever.
the chf could be managed for a while, depending on what stage chf it is - but we don't know yet. however, compounded with the multitude of other health problems, i am not hopeful for much. i wish i could believe in miracles, but right now? that is a sisyphean struggle for me.

i am scared that this might be our last thanksgiving.
i am scared that this might be our last christmas.
i am scared that we might not make it that far.
i am scared that every time i hang up the phone that that might be it.
i am scared of what will change.
i am scared of what will happen to my family.
i am scared of what will happen to me when you are not here to tell me that 'everything is going to be ok. i love you.'
i am scared. flat out.
and it sucks.

Freedom of speech, sure...but WikiLeaks still pisses me off to no end.

I've got a bad feeling about this. Maybe it won't be so bad...?

and because this week needed *more* awesome

Here's my short pity party for the day Week. That. Would. Just. Not. Stop. Sucking:

1. Saturday night: Excess drinking on the year anniversary of K's death? Check
2. Monday - now: Mom in the hospital with heart attack and (possible?) kidney problems? Check
3. Standby any day now: P heads out on deployment #2 (Cue the White Snake)? Check
4. Today: Car ticketed AND towed? Check and Check
5. Today: Credit card bill now $400+ higher (see #4, above)? Check

And for balance...the silver linings:
1. Getting to see my brother - albeit unexpectedly and not under the best of circumstances - back home? Check
2. Leg ugly BUT healing? Check and Check
3. Rangers going to the World Series? Check
4. Free plane ticket home? Check

well things are still chugging along

...heading home to see my family on Saturday. Mom's still in the hospital, but hoping she'll be released soon. I'm having a hard time getting any info on what exactly is going on because she is so drugged up and my dad is like - I don't know - being weird. Maybe it's his way of coping, but he's been going to work all day and just going to see Mom for a couple hours afterwards, so he misses all of the doctor's rounds and doesn't really know what's going on. ack. Hoping that when Sibling gets to town tonight he'll be able to get a little more info for us.

In other news...getting my first care package together to send next week to P. Thanks to Army Mom Strong for some great cold-weather care package item tips.

good thing I see the shrink tomorrow

...because this month is a doozy.

My mom was admitted to the hospital at some point today (thanks for not calling, Dad) with chest pains. She's a looong history of health problems - including heart attacks and blockages - so while I can't say I'm surprised, it still sucks. Waiting to see if I need to go home or what. No clue what's going on, they are still doing tests. I know we're not supposed to be given more than we can 'stand up under' - and then only by the grace of God - but really? This week? I just want to scream.

*insert acronym here*

FUBAR and/or SNAFU for this one.

Talked to P today, and for some reason, COC hasn't yet released their mailing addresses for care packages and such. Might not until they are downrange, either. Needless to say, everyone's disappointed with this (lack) of info. WTF...way to build morale, guys.

---
In other news...AZ's wedding was beautiful yesterday. My 5:50am alarm clock was really early, but worth it. Picked up breakfast for all the girls, and we got ready at AZ's house and had photos, champagne and lots of silliness. The 11am ceremony and reception were perfect, with a hint of bittersweet (her father passed away 5 months ago), but full of love and support from friends and family around the globe.

After all the weddingness was said and done, and when I was officially off-the-clock as maid of honor, I went out with a handful of friends, and *may* have been a little tipsy by the end of the night. And by may, I mean, I definitely had some celebratory drinks in memory of Katie. One drink in particular was bright blue and tasted like an otter pop - and K loved otter pops. It was a good night. I woke up just fine this morning, but it was a good way to let off some steam.

---
The plunge back into the world of a double-schedule (day work and night music rehearsals) will be icy this week. I'll eventually get back into the swing of things, but it's been nice having 6 weeks off from my so-called "double life". I get very complacent with my singing when I'm not actually in rehearsal for anything. This is why I know I would never make it in NYC, where so many opera-minded folks tend to flock. My drive to out-sing everyone is dwarfed by my drive to enjoy other parts of my life; to enjoy the project at hand; to nurture my relationships; and to not put my whole entire self on the line for something that though I love it - I am not driven towards or by it. And that is that.

One year. Love you. Miss you.

Katie Wise Friedman Memorial Video from Josh on Vimeo.

important

This is a great article. I highly recommend it.

I should, but I don't

I should care that one of the eminent leading sopranos of the pas two centuries has died. I mean, yes, RIP, Joan Sutherland: you were, and shall remain one of The Great Voices. But really? I don't care. I feel no sorrow, connection, or anything in regards to La Sutherland. And if I posted as such on my Facebook, you can bet that the backlash from a solid 50% of my FB friends would be crazy, seeing as so many of them have posted some very heartfelt words to their own pages. I mean, I can see the ripple through my music community. So. I won't say anything in that forum.
I am just kind of over celebrity deaths, I guess.

Yup. I am callous. At least I am today.

seriously? ouch

Imagine if you will a few miles of uninterrupted sidewalk stretching along side the SF Bay. Starting at Fisherman's Wharf and continuing all the way to AT&T park and beyond, the path is strewn with cafes, restaurants, pedi-cabs, tourists and locals exercising over their lunch breaks. There's a one-mile segment that I frequent over my own lunch breaks a couple times a week.

On part of my mile, there are obstacles. Or, as I like to think of them, giant concrete stair steps to walk over because it's good for my legs and backside! haha

Anyway, each "stair" is about two-feet high, three-feet across, and two-feet deep. I am tall and have long legs, so it's not a hard step up for me, but it's just enough. Sometimes I even add a little hop up, for kicks. And over the past six months or so, had you been frequenting that same mile with me, you would see a curly-haired girl bobbing up and over these blocks, making the most of her lunch hour during an otherwise sedentary day in an office cubicle. There's an art to hitting the blocks in stride: always ascend on the side closest to the Bay, since they are a *smidge* lower, due to a slant in the sidewalk, and always approach them straight on.

Cue to this past Thursday.

Having successfully navigated my self-made obstacle course to meet AZ for lunch at the Ferry Building, we ate and parted ways just prior to where the blocks re-start for my walk back to work.

AZ crossed the street, I turned, and breaking both of my rules, attempted to not only hop up on the wrong side of the cube, but I went at it from an angle, too.

Did I mention these are made of solid concrete?

I knew as soon as I attempted to get on the block that I was doomed. Bam, bam, bam! I was down. Left thigh, right shin and wrists breaking my fall on the hard-ass concrete. I was back up immediately, even before AZ made it across the street. I called her and was like "Look, I just fell and nobody even stopped!" She was baffled by my Grace, I'm sure. Or probably not. This is par for the course.

I hobbled the 10 minute walk back to the office. No bleeding, no audible snapping of limbs, so I was grateful. Back at work, I made a beeline for the bathroom to asses the damage to my legs. Not. Pretty.

Big hematoma bruise on my left thigh; big shallow bruises and scrapes on the right shin; sore wrists and injured pride. Ice and elevation in order.

Grace strikes again. *sigh*

trying

So. Here I turn to my faithful blog. I have started a handful of posts over the past month, but none of them ever actually made it to being published. However, that will probably change shortly, as I think I am...maybe...ready to come back to blogging here more or less regularly.

I had to step away, because I think that everytime I started to write something down, it was all really heavy, sad, depressing. On one hand, that's how I process life? emotions? On the other hand - I didn't want to turn into some horrible emo blog, for crying out loud.

There are lots of things on my mind. Lots of things over which I've been mulling, wondering and trying to figure out.

This is a difficult month spiked with wonderful dots of joy. In other words, a little bit of a roller-coaster!

Under the "dots of joy" category: AZ is gettin' hitched!! I am very honored and excited to be her maid-of-honor, and we are fast approaching the Big Day, and have had many wonderful showers and parties leading up to the wedding. I could not be more happy for her & N, truly, and cannot wait to celebrate with them in just a short time, now! Other Dots-of-Joy: spending Halloween weekend in Vegas with my parents. Oh yes. Mom and I will play the penny-slots until the wee-hours of the morning...it will be grand; and Fleet Week starts Thursday. I love Fleet Week!

Filed under "Difficult": fast approaching the one-year mark of Katie's death. THAT is entirely too hard a concept for me to understand and/or even process at the moment; difficult because P has an impending deployment, and, well, that is hard for me on many levels right now - but that's a topic for another posting.

what a crazy summer

whew it has been (and still continues to be) a wild and crazy summer!

Sibling *finally* tied the knot last weekend, and it was a wonderful and fun family and friend-filled week and weekend! We had a blast, and I couldn't be happier for he and the new wifey.

Three weeks before that, K's lil sis got married, and it was also a wonderful family and friend-filled weekend and a beautiful occasion.

throw in several short weekend trips for work (gettysburg) and play (CO for wedding-stuff) and also a show in between all of that (ongoing through the end of August) and wow. I am counting the days to Labor Day holiday.

In other news: AZ is t-minus 2 months and counting to her big wedding date; my folks are in town this weekend to see my show; and Ty is moving to the midwest for work. Lots of folks leaving SF, actually. It's very strange. I've lived here for 9 years, and you'd think I'd be used to saying goodbye to people, but I think it just gets harder. I am not a fan, so much. Ess left for London with her beau and to start school, and P ships out this fall on deployment #2 and am hoping to get a chance to see him before he leaves.

'tis a flurry of activity!!

On a note: please pray for AZ and her family. After an already difficult year (with her father passing away, and relatives in Mexico mourning lives lost in the family related to the escalting drug wars), her 30-year-old cousin's cancer may possibly be back after two bouts in remission. Wednesday is prognosis day, and we're hoping/praying/fasting for good news. God be glorified in all things, though.

I am still here...

I am still around. Been "blogging lite" over at my new blog...which is entirely different than this one. Serves a much different purpose...mostly an outlet for photos. anyway.
I am here, gearing up for performing (we open Pirates of Penzance in two weeks) and wedding madness, part 1 (K's sister's wedding and my brother's wedding all in the next month) which means I get to spend a good chunk of time in CO! yay!
Much more going on...but...I just looked at the clock. gotta go to work! eek!

thoughts

Coming out of depression is interesting. On the whole, it has been a steady, slow climb up...just like a hike up a bigass hill. The views from the top are unimaginable until you get there. I can already look back to February and March and see (in retrospect) just how far down I was. A little scary.

My birthday was Sunday. It was REALLY nice and I had a lot of fun (thanks AZ). Very low-key excepting for the drama provided by the world cup with a handful of friends for brunch, soccer-watching and game playing. And I was happy to be amidst friends on that day. I didn't want to have a big blow-out party, because (for one thing) I am crazy busy this summer, and for another, I am feeling *somewhat* ...angsty? strange? weird? and a little sad... about this particular birthday, #31. Not because I feel "old," but because I can't believe that I am actually older than Katie ever will be. I used to always get to tease her about being 6-months older than me. It was a running joke that though we shared a name, she's always be the old one :)
So. It's a little strange for that to be reversed.

However - and I think this is the telling point, as far as my mental health goes - I wasn't freaking out about this birthday days in advance, losing sleep and getting panicky (as I was with, for example, Mother's Day). Somewhat saddened, yes, by the reality, but at the same time, determined to experience every day to the fullest, to get out and feel the sun on my face, and make the most of every year I get. I do not dread "getting old" . . . I will choose to relish it.

Love you, K. Miss you, still.

a few things

1. I started a new blog - just for hiking/outdoorsy stuff. wheeeee. And I will still write here, too, other stuff. Check out the new blog.

2. I am actually starting to feel - almost - normal again. Or at least to adjust to my new normal - one not as clouded by grief and depression. There will always be some bittersweetness - some layer of sadness, or perhaps just hard experience, to color my point of view...but the layers of fog are lifting. I am glad. Somewhat weirded out by it all - and struggling a little with the idea that I do not have to be sad in order to honor K's life and memory. It's a process.

3. I keep thinking about getting a tatoo. Must question some medical professionals about this. No rash decisions on this one.

4. WTF McChrystal and Obama??? That's a whole blog post in and of itself.

new direction...

AZ suggested I blog about hiking, since it's an (old) love I've picked back up over the last couple years. This is something I am going to do, jut not quite sure yet if that would entail a new, separate blog or what. It probably will, so as to keep the personal here and the other...there. Wherever there may be. We shall see.

Speaking of hiking...ticks? They are gross...that is all.

In other news...countdown 12 days to The Gettysburg Festival. I cannot believe it. A group I perform regularly with here in SF has been invited to sing at the festival's opening day of their Gilbert & Sullivan festivities. It will be a fast and furious trip, but fun. I still can't believe we're going! And I get to see Sibling!

Many happy things to come this summer!

back for now

I keep falling off of the blogging band wagon. SUCH a crazy year, 2010, and the hits keep coming.
Most recently, bff's father passed away suddenly . . . about a month ago. In the midst of her planning a wedding. I...ugh. It's just sad. There is nothing else to say about it, really. I wish I could make it all go away for her, but I can't, so prayers would be nice. And, another friend's cousin died in a car accident. I don't know what it is for this particular group of us who all know each other going through some crazy shit over the past several months....but MAN. (Don't mind my French. I've had a couple glasses of wine this evening.)

SO. All that to say. I am still here. Still dealing. Grief counseling/therapy helps a LOT...helps a great deal to have a forum to talk things out. Keeping physically active helps, too, and - as always - I find myself staying busy with musical activities aplenty. I just...need to figure out what is most important and where God would have me be and why. You know, minor things.

In other news. Sibling's wedding is in about 2 months. Cannot believe it! Finally! Very much looking forward to that.

Hope all is well out there in internet-land aka OK, NM, CA, WI, FL, CO and beyond. I think of you all often, even if I do not expressly express it here.

Finally, based on the amount of fog that rolled in today, I'd say summer has officially landed in sf. woot.

thursday thanks

Thankful for Taco Thursdays...mmmm...a haiku:

Homemade chorizo
Messy salsa dripping down
Tacolicious...mmm