.....voicing my worst fears.....

my heart feels like a seeping wound barely starting to heal only to be knocked about and have the scab re-opened and bleed anew, over and over and over again.

i literally feel crazed. i can't focus, i can't remember sh*t, and left to my own devices for too many hours in a row i start to become lulled by the siren call of the spiral down back into the hole of depression from which i have been steadily climbing for months now. it would be so much easier in some ways just to sit down there than to try and function in normal society. thank g-d for therapy. and friends. and family.

mom is sick. the kind of sick that doesn't get better.
congestive heart failure, major heart damage, chronic kidney disease, diabetes, fibromyalgia: these are things that don't just "go away" overnight. or ever.
the chf could be managed for a while, depending on what stage chf it is - but we don't know yet. however, compounded with the multitude of other health problems, i am not hopeful for much. i wish i could believe in miracles, but right now? that is a sisyphean struggle for me.

i am scared that this might be our last thanksgiving.
i am scared that this might be our last christmas.
i am scared that we might not make it that far.
i am scared that every time i hang up the phone that that might be it.
i am scared of what will change.
i am scared of what will happen to my family.
i am scared of what will happen to me when you are not here to tell me that 'everything is going to be ok. i love you.'
i am scared. flat out.
and it sucks.