too close to home

The effects of our economic meltdown are far-reaching, but - to be honest - I have not really noticed *that* much of a difference in my day-to-day life. Yes, my 401(k) has gone down - but I've only been contributing to one for a few years, and I have time to build it back up. Yes, prices have gone up...but I'm single, I don't have a family to feed and I can keep my costs low, etc.

However, for a lot of people, this economic crisis is an all-consuming monster. People are desperate, and sunk into the depths of depression. I get it . . . and I am grateful that my self-worth and hope is not wrapped up in our economy. Nor in my singing. Nor in my relationships.

But, I know folks for whom hope seems to not be an option; it's not even a faint knock at the door. Today at work, we found out the effects of being caught in that despair. One of our external colleagues - a woman I have known for 4 years and who is in a large part responsible for my staying in SF by helping me out when I needed a job - was killed because her boyfriend felt that a lack of money meant life should not continue. A completely needless death and it makes me angry and sad...but at the moment I just feel dull and shocked.

sensory overload

After being outside for a few minutes this afternoon, I noticed - to my horror - that upon walking into our office, one is bombarded by the smell of burnt popcorn mingled with [coworker's] reheated fish lunch.

I'm sure the woman who arrived for a 3pm appointment was excited by that.

Seeing red – real life edition

I don’t get angry often. But if you hurt or insult someone I care about, be it family, friend, etc...then I literally do start seeing red.

A couple weeks ago, someone I don’t even know managed to piss me off royally . . . and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it, other than stew in my own juices. I didn’t blog about it, because it was not my story to tell. But now you can read the story here, if you'd like, about my best friend getting punched in the face on a bus. By a stranger.

Kudos to AZ for not letting the anger eat her up. It could have been a lot worse than it was - and for that fact, I'm praising Jesus. But my dander’s getting riled now just thinking about it.

I know some well-trained men whom I would *love* to sic on this guy. Too bad that that’s, you know, highly illegal. Stupid details.

spoiler alert

It was a wacky weekend - something for everyone: laughter, drama, crime, romance, tears and really good people watching.

Part of it I can't talk about - because they are not my stories to tell. What I can say is that I still have the ability to be shocked by:
1. The capacity of humans to harm one another;
2. The fagility and complexity of the human brain;
3. That laughter really can be good medicine.

(I say "I still have the ability to be shocked" because I feel like I've become desensitized to a lot here.)


The parts I *can* talk about:
-S left for Philly yesterday - many tears shed all around here at Casa di MezzoSF.

-Reunited with my Motel 6 colleagues for brunch (those 4 of us who all roomed together at local Motel 6's during the run of this last show). I think this is going to be a regular event...which is awesome!

-In an attempt to cheer Sibling up after S's departure, we walked up to the Haight Street Festival. I can't believe I didn't take my camera with me - there were SO many great photo ops. One of the best SF summertime festivals for people-watching, and it was a gorgeous day to be outside!

-SPOILER: We also went to see the new Indiana Jones flick. I really liked it - even if it *did* get all sci-fi there at the end. It makes perfect sense for a movie set in the 1950s. I mean - that was during the Red Scare, Nuclear bombs and the start of our culture's fascination on a mass scale with aliens, ufo's and the like. Add in all the throwbacks to the original Indiana Jones trilogy - and it was an enjoyable afternoon spent at the movies.

-The romance portion also came in movie form (ha) when Rona came over and we watched Music & Lyrics. Nothing like Hugh Grant shaking his tush...lol

Every now and then

My recent schedule has been:

Work
Home for long enough to practice and perhaps fix dinner
Rehearsal
Sleep

Rinse. Repeat. Throw in a quick trip to SoCal. Rinse. Repeat.

This week was pretty stressful work-wise for various reasons, and I am just feeling rundown. Add to that the fact that everytime I'm at home, there is no peace and quiet (not a reflection against anyone in particular, just that there are 4 people currently inhabiting 1000 square feet). I've reached the point where I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. Some people are external processors - they need to talk things out. I am a good friend to these kinds of folks, because I am pretty much the opposite - I don't like to talk things out. Which means I'm a good listener..haha. And on those occasions when I DO talk things out, then it is because it is something I've been mulling over for a VERY long time, usually. But in order to process, I need to either get away from everything or lock myself in my room and re-alphabatize my cd collection (which I've been known to do).
(Side note: I don't qualify blogging as "external processing" as much as I think of it as "brain-dumping", seeing as I don't have to actually *talk* to anyone in particular. And I can edit myself.)

Praise the Lord for "Mental Health Days" and my boss encouraging me to take one.

---
and...here comes a brain dump now...I LOVE performing. But I hate having to miss important life things because I "already have a gig" MONTHS in advance. Seriously - I already have stuff on my calendar for MARCH 2009. WTF? I should be happy about this, right? And I am, mostly. But here's a snippet of conversation I was having tonight with Ty (he's currently on our couch): he asked me "What do you want for your life?" (Shoot, he could probably get away with asking me anything and I would answer. It's hard to hide something from someone you've known your whole life.)

Two things came to mind almost immediately, even though it took me a while to answer. But after some more prodding, my answers were:
1. I - EVENTUALLY - would like to get married.
2. I would like the freedom and flexibilty to travel.

That's it. Those were the two things on my list. Maybe if I (when I?) take the time to mull things over a bit, the list would grow...but, my gut instinct right now has just those two things on it. Now, I don't have any plans on #1 being fulfilled in the near future, but item #2 is definitely easier to implement in the short-term, but in the long-term (at least in my life right now) is harder...that flexibility wanes. Which frustrates me.

really?

Why *IS* it that when you - okay, when I - find myself in conversation with someone I really *like*, that all intelligent conversation FLIES OUT THE WINDOW on my part?
And it doesn't matter the venue...if it's someone I am really attracted to, it happens in person, over the phone, whatever.

Seriously.

It goes something a little like this:
1. Strike up a conversation
2. An invisible gnome sneaks up behind me
3. Said gnome whacks me in the back of the head with a stupid brick
4. My cheeks flush and I start saying "I don't know...uh...grusoviejsfoieoieuoru".

Rinse, repeat as necessary.

ack. I love being a woman, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like *such* a little girl, you know?

Okay. I'm going to watch La Vie en Rose now.