egads

time flies. it has been a CRAZY summer. Mostly good, but a lot crazy.

No time for a big update at the moment, suffice to say, when I am (hopefully) extremely ancient and grey and no longer able to care for myself, someone just please put me out of my misery. Looking at nursing facilities for my mom (for just a short couple week stay before she comes home from this current hospitalization) is depressing. The places I've seen are almost all just terrible, and I feel horribly for folks who don't have anyone who acts as their advocate. I swear, I think most of the places I've seen would be cited for violating the UN's definition of "crimes against the peace and security of mankind". egads.
wish me luck. off to look at a SNF this morning way the hell out in the foothills (WTF?!)

Hot time, summer in the city

Blog! Hello! How are we today?

Since last we've spoken written, many things have happened, indeed.

1) I have been dating a wonderful man for two months (as of tomorrow, if we must be all official about it). Long-distance as we are, we're making it work. TGFS = Thank God for Skype!

2) Mom almost died a little over three weeks ago. Her heart stopped, and she face-planted onto the floor, scaring the hell out of me and Dad. Thanks to God, Dad's refresher CPR courses, the South Denver Fire and Rescue squad, a newly installed pacemaker and an intense 10 days of acute rehab, not only is she still with us she is doing well. And she got to come home yesterday. So, we are celebrating Independence Day in more ways than one around here.

3) I'm going to Brazil in November. I almost forgot about the trip, but, Mom gave me miles for a plane ticket, and I'm going with a group of friends from SF (one of whom is from there AND happens to be a travel agent...I can't wait). Looking forward to it!

4) I had my first (and so far, only) Colorado singing gig last weekend! It was fun - a concert fundraiser for a local opera company - and, well, hopefully that will lead to a few more things!

5) It's *finally* settling on me that I have moved. I knew it would take a while for that to sink in. I'm glad I moved, but I do miss my SF peeps. Lack of established peer community has been difficult. Even though I have a handful of friends here (and a couple of those close), it's not quite the same. BUT, making progress.

6) My birthday is in a week...weird! I plan on getting a massssssage...aahhhhhhhhhhhh

Quick update

Up in the mountains...ma is home from her third hospitalization/rehab stay (hoping she can stay at home longer than a couple of weeks this time, but I'm not totally sure about that.)...have fallen madly in love with a Good Man, and though we have some geographical separation at the moment, we are working with it...CO is gorgeous in the summer...life is grand. Not without challenges, but grand all the same!

I hardly remember my dreams anymore,
but what I recall is
you.

The turn of a phrase,
The wellspring of a laugh,
The serenade of a shared tune.

He has orchestrated a
beautifully spun double-whorl
only just beginning its incline around the first
bend.

I hardly remember my dreams
and yet, I find myself eyes wide open
in the midst of one.

And I hope and pray that I stay dreaming,
lest these new found recollections of you
fade
forever.

the whatif's

Right now my life is a series of what-if's. And I'm learning to be okay with that, and not jump to any conclusions ahead of myself...something that is hard for me, but something I'm working on.


For the moment...2011 is still a year full of unknown possibility. What if I get to work in the mountains all summer? What if I don't? What if I land some singing gigs? What if I don't? What if this is the year I fall madly in love? What if it isn't? What if my mom outlives us all? What if she doesn't? What if I learn to tune out all the little what if's and enjoy the moments as they come? ...and what if I don't?

Many, many things to ponder and to which I look forward. And things yet unknown lingering just beyond the horizon.

Whatif - by Shel Silverstein
Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pol?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow tall?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

...for something completely diffetent

Let the record show that I like hairy men, and don't understand the obsession with a guy having a waxed/shaved chest.  Chest hair is manly!  Unless there is a unibrow or excessive nose hair involved - in which case, clean that up - guys, don't worry about it. /PSA.

The silent screams
were the hardest to bear

Mouth    agape
Eyes fixed on some
far
off
point.
The pain behind them too much
to comprehend from an
outside perspective

It's not you
It's more like some alien fish gasping for breath
pulled suddenly ashore

I sit there

helpless

tears in my eyes, too.

Praying as hard as I can that this paroxysm will soon pass and
that the deafening silence will cease its roaring

Moment

Finding out that your mom has a signed DNR - even if you suspected as much - is an oddly crystallizing moment.

and more cleaning

I've spent the better part of the past two months getting rid of stuff. Goodwill, recycling, trashing, giving away to friends...going through the crap that accumulates over 10 years of living in the same city.

And then I moved home. Well, "home." I've never lived in the house my parents currently live in; they moved sometime while I was in college. At the time, I was happy to be far away in Texas, so that I didn't have to do any of the moving work. I do have a room in the 'new' house, in the basement, and I've probably spent an accumulative total of about 4-5 months here, since sometime in the late '90s.

All that said . . . this weekend I continued on with my getting-rid-of-stuff streak and tackled my closet here. A closet full of clothes from high school, some college stuff and summers spend working in NC. And...holy crappe, indead! It was a veritable treasure trove of forgotten goodies: swim team sweats; graduation outfit;  white high heels for said outfit; a plethora of ribbed (!?) sweaters and oversize, stretched-out sweatshirts and sorority t-shirts. (I kept one fugly Christmas sweater that had been my grandmothers, in the hopes of hosting (or attending?) an ugly Christmas sweater party this year. I plan ahead.)

Once you get start the process of purging your stuff, it becomes easier and easier to keep going. And I didn't feel bad about getting rid of things because 1) They were all so outdated; and 2) I couldn't have worn any of it anyway...I'm smaller now than I was my senior year, so that makes me happy! And something even happier than THAT? I also cleaned out the dresser and I now have a place to keep my underwear! Simple pleasures, indeed.

I still have boxes of books to go through which are currently stacked along one side of the closet, blocking me from hanging up anything tall/long (dresses, etc); and the nightside dresser. All in good time. I really want to finish it this week, though.

Also on this week's agenda: go to the dmv (yay...I think); and see if the 24-hour fitness down the street has a trial pass. I think I'm going to join that branch, but so far I've not had any time to go at all, due to my mom needed someone at the house at all times, and the few times "off" I have had, I've already been doing a bunch of other errands and all. Whew. I hit the ground running, I guess . . . 

you are here

I started this blog after much convincing by AZ that this was the cool thing do to AND a fun way to stay in touch with folks from college, etc. So...I started it. Some years I've written more than others, and sometimes it's pretty hilarious (to me) to read old posts and wonder "what the hell was I whining about?" AHHH, youth...

Blogging tapered off a lot last year, but I figured I'd give it another, more habitual, go, seeing as I'm now the one who has moved, and this will also be a place to vent from time to time.

Now that I'm all but moved home (my car and a carload of stuff is in CA until the end of the month), I'm working on carving out a routine here. I have never been in such as position as I am right now, as far as not having to report to either a classroom or an office by xyz time, so I am attempting to not squander this window of free time. I have to admit that I am biding my job search time a little, since in a perfect world, the possible part-time mountain job will be a reality (3days up/4 days in Denver) and the following academic year, I'll have a full-time singing gig! Dream big! why not?
Anyway, the current routine entails working out, singing (working on audition rep) and basically trading mom-sitting time back and forth with Dad. This entails: getting her ready and driving to doc appointments, making sure she takes her meds on time; cooking dinners; etc. Mom basically needs someone with her all the time, and since she really cannot leave the house on her own accord, that means someone needs to be at home with her. We have in-home CNA (certified nursing assistant) help about half the time - which is when I can go to the gym, practice, run errands, etc. - but that is not covered by insurance at all *shakes fist*. I really don't understand WTF is going on with that.

Anyway. It's all about balance. Everyday with mom is up and down. Good/bad. Easy/Difficult. Joy/Tears. I knew it would be, but I better buckle my seat belt for this wild ride, and hold on tight. And thank God for old friends welcoming me back to Denver with open arms...! That has been a lovely, lovely thing.