what a crazy summer

whew it has been (and still continues to be) a wild and crazy summer!

Sibling *finally* tied the knot last weekend, and it was a wonderful and fun family and friend-filled week and weekend! We had a blast, and I couldn't be happier for he and the new wifey.

Three weeks before that, K's lil sis got married, and it was also a wonderful family and friend-filled weekend and a beautiful occasion.

throw in several short weekend trips for work (gettysburg) and play (CO for wedding-stuff) and also a show in between all of that (ongoing through the end of August) and wow. I am counting the days to Labor Day holiday.

In other news: AZ is t-minus 2 months and counting to her big wedding date; my folks are in town this weekend to see my show; and Ty is moving to the midwest for work. Lots of folks leaving SF, actually. It's very strange. I've lived here for 9 years, and you'd think I'd be used to saying goodbye to people, but I think it just gets harder. I am not a fan, so much. Ess left for London with her beau and to start school, and P ships out this fall on deployment #2 and am hoping to get a chance to see him before he leaves.

'tis a flurry of activity!!

On a note: please pray for AZ and her family. After an already difficult year (with her father passing away, and relatives in Mexico mourning lives lost in the family related to the escalting drug wars), her 30-year-old cousin's cancer may possibly be back after two bouts in remission. Wednesday is prognosis day, and we're hoping/praying/fasting for good news. God be glorified in all things, though.

I am still here...

I am still around. Been "blogging lite" over at my new blog...which is entirely different than this one. Serves a much different purpose...mostly an outlet for photos. anyway.
I am here, gearing up for performing (we open Pirates of Penzance in two weeks) and wedding madness, part 1 (K's sister's wedding and my brother's wedding all in the next month) which means I get to spend a good chunk of time in CO! yay!
Much more going on...but...I just looked at the clock. gotta go to work! eek!

thoughts

Coming out of depression is interesting. On the whole, it has been a steady, slow climb up...just like a hike up a bigass hill. The views from the top are unimaginable until you get there. I can already look back to February and March and see (in retrospect) just how far down I was. A little scary.

My birthday was Sunday. It was REALLY nice and I had a lot of fun (thanks AZ). Very low-key excepting for the drama provided by the world cup with a handful of friends for brunch, soccer-watching and game playing. And I was happy to be amidst friends on that day. I didn't want to have a big blow-out party, because (for one thing) I am crazy busy this summer, and for another, I am feeling *somewhat* ...angsty? strange? weird? and a little sad... about this particular birthday, #31. Not because I feel "old," but because I can't believe that I am actually older than Katie ever will be. I used to always get to tease her about being 6-months older than me. It was a running joke that though we shared a name, she's always be the old one :)
So. It's a little strange for that to be reversed.

However - and I think this is the telling point, as far as my mental health goes - I wasn't freaking out about this birthday days in advance, losing sleep and getting panicky (as I was with, for example, Mother's Day). Somewhat saddened, yes, by the reality, but at the same time, determined to experience every day to the fullest, to get out and feel the sun on my face, and make the most of every year I get. I do not dread "getting old" . . . I will choose to relish it.

Love you, K. Miss you, still.

a few things

1. I started a new blog - just for hiking/outdoorsy stuff. wheeeee. And I will still write here, too, other stuff. Check out the new blog.

2. I am actually starting to feel - almost - normal again. Or at least to adjust to my new normal - one not as clouded by grief and depression. There will always be some bittersweetness - some layer of sadness, or perhaps just hard experience, to color my point of view...but the layers of fog are lifting. I am glad. Somewhat weirded out by it all - and struggling a little with the idea that I do not have to be sad in order to honor K's life and memory. It's a process.

3. I keep thinking about getting a tatoo. Must question some medical professionals about this. No rash decisions on this one.

4. WTF McChrystal and Obama??? That's a whole blog post in and of itself.

new direction...

AZ suggested I blog about hiking, since it's an (old) love I've picked back up over the last couple years. This is something I am going to do, jut not quite sure yet if that would entail a new, separate blog or what. It probably will, so as to keep the personal here and the other...there. Wherever there may be. We shall see.

Speaking of hiking...ticks? They are gross...that is all.

In other news...countdown 12 days to The Gettysburg Festival. I cannot believe it. A group I perform regularly with here in SF has been invited to sing at the festival's opening day of their Gilbert & Sullivan festivities. It will be a fast and furious trip, but fun. I still can't believe we're going! And I get to see Sibling!

Many happy things to come this summer!

back for now

I keep falling off of the blogging band wagon. SUCH a crazy year, 2010, and the hits keep coming.
Most recently, bff's father passed away suddenly . . . about a month ago. In the midst of her planning a wedding. I...ugh. It's just sad. There is nothing else to say about it, really. I wish I could make it all go away for her, but I can't, so prayers would be nice. And, another friend's cousin died in a car accident. I don't know what it is for this particular group of us who all know each other going through some crazy shit over the past several months....but MAN. (Don't mind my French. I've had a couple glasses of wine this evening.)

SO. All that to say. I am still here. Still dealing. Grief counseling/therapy helps a LOT...helps a great deal to have a forum to talk things out. Keeping physically active helps, too, and - as always - I find myself staying busy with musical activities aplenty. I just...need to figure out what is most important and where God would have me be and why. You know, minor things.

In other news. Sibling's wedding is in about 2 months. Cannot believe it! Finally! Very much looking forward to that.

Hope all is well out there in internet-land aka OK, NM, CA, WI, FL, CO and beyond. I think of you all often, even if I do not expressly express it here.

Finally, based on the amount of fog that rolled in today, I'd say summer has officially landed in sf. woot.

thursday thanks

Thankful for Taco Thursdays...mmmm...a haiku:

Homemade chorizo
Messy salsa dripping down
Tacolicious...mmm

behind on my gratitude

so, I was in Chicago for 4 days with my Dad. Just the two of us hanging out. Well, ok, he was there for work, but he played hookey, too.

I am grateful for those four days, as it's so very rare that just the two of us spend extended amounts of time together.

accentuate the positive

I think one small thing that will be a good practice for me to implement, is to have at something daily for which I am thankful. It's a way to retrain my brain away from automatically going to the negative.

Today's is most definitely fresh strawberries from Yerena Farms. I buy from them all summer long, and their berries are AWESOME.

hi

Hi. I am slowly in the process of healing from some deep wounds...and I think - as a wise friend mentioned - that journaling (ok, blogging) and getting things out on [virtual] paper might help.

The truth is that I have been very depressed, unfocused, extremely tired and generally not myself...which in turn brings back my anxieties and panic attacks...and I finally sought out some help about a month ago. Baby steps! It is a challenge, some days, to get out of bed..other days, it's okay...great, even. But I never know what kinda day it's going to be. Very strange to not be in control of one's mental state...but that is...changing, bit by bit.

I have been struggling with several different types of loss: the biggest and deepest one being K's death in October. That compounded with the lack of closure for a particular relationship to turn out differently; the loss of family companionship when my brother moved across country; weight-loss, and the mental side of that; and - to an extent - loss of faith. That last one is strange...because although I am struggling a great deal with my faith right now, at the same time, I cannot imagine being able to have gone through (or continue to process) any of the events of the last year without faith. So it's a weird state of being at the moment. Struggling, but aware that while *I* might be the one having trust issues...God is just waiting there. It almost makes it harder, in a way. I don't know. So much in my brain sometimes to sift through, but I haven't been able to focus on anything.

oh well...climbing up the ladder bit by bit...

One thing that has helped is music...listening to music (breaking out my old-school God-rock) and working on some new music (that I am excited about).

What reeeeally not to wear

Yes, I have been imprisoned in my house low these 4 past days due to bronchitis fun. This afternoon, though, have finally been feeling more human and have thusly continued on my closet purging of clothes. On the "get rid of" list has been - sad - three suits my mom bought me for Rush week in college. Yes, that would have been for spring semester of my freshman year, 1998. And while I am quite excited that those suits actually fit me, and are in fact, a little too big on me, it was time to say goodbye.
Also on the list have been several newer, more contemporary items which simply no longer fit. For these items, I had to try on and was surprised everytime that they were too big for me now. It is weird to wrap one's brain around a significant weight-loss, and something I am still working on. Physical changes are waaaaay easier to handle for me than mental/emotional changes. I am kind of horrified now when I look at clothes that I bought 15 months ago, and realize how unhealthy I had been living there for a while. Not that clothing size determines health, but in my case, I have too many genetic factors against me to risk being so overweight- even obese at my biggest. It's eye-opening. Being tall, I've always gotten away with carrying extra weight, but now I am on a path to reaching a healthy BMI for my body. It's a hard, but good, path. Step by step....
Ok. Back to the cleaning out of the closets go I...

Friiiiiiiday night hiiiigh

..... On cough meds, that is. Spent two days home in my pj's.
Been inspired to continue my closet cleaning by watching old "what not to wear" episodes. I have a long way to go, but am making baby-steps in my progress towards the excavation of my little place. When I can breathe again, I will continue along this route.
Happy weekend to all!

Friday Five - Winter Olympics

1) Which of the Winter Olympic sports is your favorite to watch? Men's hockey; figure skating and anything with skis or snowboards.

2) Some of the uniforms have attracted attention this year, such as the US Snowboarders' pseudo-flannel shirts and jeans and the Norwegian Curling team's -- ahem -- pants. Who do you think had the best-looking uniforms? Bermuda! I love that they always sport the shorts!

3) And Curling. Really? What's up with that? No clue. Have yet to watch any.

4) Define Nordic Combined. Don't look it up. Take a guess if you must. Ski jump then cross-country (aka: Nordic) skiing. And USA took home Gold AND Silver in this!

5) If you could be a Winter Olympics Champion just by wishing for it, which sport would you choose for winning your Gold Medal? Maybe snowboard-cross. That's pretty badass.

What's on your life list?

2009 was momentous for many resons, both good and bad. And in many ways, I have been struggling to get out of 2009 and move ahead in 2010- a year which, thus far, seems to be bringing on a season of joy. Baby steps!

It's almost 11:30 PST - an hence, my Lenten bedtime - so this will be brief. I've never really liked the term "bucket list," but I like the concept of having a list of things/dreams for one's life. The events of the past year have made me even more introverted for the moment, and definitely more introspective, and I've started trying to sort out the chaff from the wheat of what is really important. Besides continually nurturing my relationships and making sure that the people I love know it, I've decided upon a few things for my "life list."
in random order:
- visit all of the US National Parks (and as many as possible with my dad)
- see the northern lights in Alaska. In winter.
- go on one of those one-way round-the-world plane tickets
- get married to a "partner in crime"
- get decent at a winter sport (that's the olympics talking)
- Make it to the top of a 14er
- not have a heart attack at the age of 53, as did my mom and grandma
- support myself doing something I am completely passionate about
- figuring out what that would be ( see above )
- learn how to shoot
- clean out my house ( that's on the shortlist)

slowly but surely

...I am getting back into the blog of things...heh.

So, it's Friday of a promising weekend ahead. Tonight is comedy club night with the girls...should be fun(ny). I hope so!
Tomorrow - weather pending - hiking and a belated Mardi Gras dinner party. I'm making a king cake and jambalaya...mmmm. Sunday is church and hair cut.

LAST weekend was spent up in Seattle. I was up there with about 7 other folks from SF to celebrate a friend's 40th bday (who know lives up there) What a gorgeous city - the water and the mountains right there together is an amazing combination!! True, it rains a lot...but then everything is so green and lush, I can appreciate that. Walking around the city, I felt like I matched the people there in my outfit of waterproof coat and shoes, fleece, and jeans. Felt good.

Best news of the weekend? BFF AZ got engaged! Also, KWF's sister got engaged! SO, this year is the year of THREE BIG WEDDINGS to attend. I am so excited!!!

ANYWAY. Glad it's Friday. What are y'all doing this weekend?

lent

I've been thinking about whether or not to give something up for Lent and/or why I would be doing it.

One thing that comes to mind is giving myself an actual bedtime. That's not giving up something tangible, so to speak, but it is a sacrifice, because I just putter around at night (when I'm not in rehearsals) and waste time I could use for something else.

I might try it.

11pm on 'schoolnights' with a little leeway for Friday and Saturday evenings. hmm.

Friday Five: Fab February

1. When February comes along, how do you feel about the coming month?
I get excited for February because Sibling's birthday happens, and the weather in SF is usually lovely with the flowering trees starting to blossom.

2. What memories do you have about Valentine's Day? Are you doing anything to observe it this year? I've only had a romantic Valentine on the Day of twice ever, including last year. The past two years running, Valentine's Day was spent in CO celebrating Christmas with P. This year will be very different - I'm attending a friend's 40th birthday celebration on Valentine's Day in Seattle.

3. It is interesting that Monday's "Presidents Day" is not officially called that in every state. It is a U.S. federal holiday entitled "Washington's Birthday." Which is your favorite president and why? Favorite president? Really? I don't know that I have one, apart from Washington...since it's his reason we get a day off of work!!

4. Will you be celebrating Shrove Tuesday or Mardi Gras? How? Oh yes. Well, will be celebrating a few days late into Lent at party and will bake a king cake for that. For the actual Tuesday, I will be out celebrating ANOTHER friend's birthday (I know lots of February Babies, apparently). Also? I will wear purple and beads to work.

5. Any other ways to celebrate in February? Will celebrate Sibling's and my Aunt's birthday long-distance, and am looking forward to my mini-vacation to the Pacific Northwest. ooh - and the Olympics start tonight!!! Very excited about that.

Happy super- bowling! (it's a national holiday, right?)

Geaux Saints!
And hellooooooo blogosphere!
It has been an eventful month or so, and I have wanted do many times to blog, but usually upon very depressing themes. So. To recap.... Have been really busy with a well-reviewed show and that is over right now and on to springish-time. I am headed to Seattle for a friends 40th birthday celebration over the long weekend. Sibling is currently snowed in (again) in philadelphia.
Tis a new year, hopefully full of much joy and spirit. Here's to 2010. Hope everyone is well out there in cyberspace!

Slow to anger...

Forgiveness for me comes fairly easy...I am typically not one to hold a grudge. However, if you betray my trust - and I forgive you - do not expect that trust to be instantaneously reinstated. Trust, once lost, is very difficult for me to re-extend.
I had an unfortunate experience today, and one I hope not to repeat anytime soon. Suffice to say that when I get angry - not often at all - you do not want to be on the receiving end. And this was righteous anger, but I do not like being in such a mental state as this. Forgiveness will be quick... But hurt, anger and mistrust might be around for a bit. I suppose prayer is in order. Good thing, too, or I might do something I'd regret.

Where's my jetpack?

It's the future! At least, "2010" feels futuristic in the sense that it is such a weird number in a way. I mean, as a kid, I thought 2000 was waaaay in the future, and now we're an entire decade past that. Crazy!

I am way too tired and tipsy to philosophize about the year to come at the moment, so, I'll just say Happy New Year to you and yours!